Including Mom

sisters/sisters

Mom remains a part of our lives. Recently, we had a bridal shower for the youngest grandchild. 

Although Mom didn't make it to the shower, she had lots of visitors over the weekend

Mom was missed. Even though she wasn't at the shower, she had an impact.  Our memories of her made it feel like she was a part of the day. It was cool to see the way her influence and impact on each of us was reflected when we gathered. I am sure people experience this when their loved one is gone. At the shower, cookies were made by my sister-in-law that Mom used to make. She made them exactly the way Mom did, which is a bit quirky.  And they were so yummy. And then there was the pearl necklace that was started when Kris was a little girl by Mom (Nana) and although it's not finished, it is still special and cherished. Papa added some pearls for the shower. It may not be completed by Mom but in her memory, representing parts of Kris's life. Perhaps what the unfinished necklace represents the most: that Nana will be missing at the wedding and has been missing in Kris's adult life (see Kris's prior post).  Amy (first grandchild) shared about her pearl necklace and what it meant to her & Nana. Everyone teared up. Mom loved celebrations like this. She organized many and blessed many by her gift of hospitality. Mom you are loved and you are missed. 

Unrealistic expectations...

Unrealistic expectations and denial are obstacles in helping someone with Alzheimer's.

One Christmas I decided that I would set aside a week to take my parents to Florida. They had gone several times a few years back and had talked about going again but it never materialized. They had many friends there. I gave them this gift at Christmas. Their response was surprising. My mom didn't understand why I would want to go with them. They didn't need me and when they went they wanted to go for 3 weeks not just one week. I had hoped to take them while they could still travel but they said no and they didn't go on their own either.

Florida

 Later that year my husband and I offered to take them to Nova Scotia, Canada, My mom's parents were from there. My mom had talked about taking us girls there for decades. We had gone as children. My mom had stayed in touch with cousins. We thought they would love to go but they said no, because they wanted to go to Colorado to help her sister with her grandchildren. While well intentioned, it was unrealistic that they/she could help.  I actually tried to set up a trip, in which I could take them for a visit, and my aunt said please don't come. She was too overwhelmed to have a visit at that time. My husband and I went to Nova Scotia and Cape Breton Island by ourselves. We met up with some cousins, which made Mom happy. It was hard to understand why they wouldn't let me help but looking back I think there was comfort in staying in their routine and familiar environment/home and some fear in traveling. She was still very much in denial. It's unfortuate as we could have had some really nice trips together.

Cabot Trail, Cape Breton Island

I drafted this post awhile ago. Reflecting back now, I realize that when my parents first wanted to travel with us, my life was so busy, I couldn't find the time. Now that our kids are grown, unfortunately it's too late. I regret not making more time for them. I wish I had realized how important it is to capture the moment and spend all the time you can together, when you can.

Longevity

Writing this blog gets to me sometimes, mostly its therapeutic but sometimes it's just emotionally too hard. After a long break, I am back at it, here's one from February I never got around to posting.

February was a big birthday month. We had the privilege of having both my dad and father in law visit for their birthdays. We gathered the kids and grand kids and made lots of their favorite foods.

two men, two birthdays...

94 years old

My Father in law turned 94 on February 13, 2013. He's a good guy. We celebrated with omelets. sticky  buns and a birthday dinner of Scottish meat pie. My husband flew with him to Florida where he'll spend three months with my brother in law. Dad lives alone and has stopped driving. His son in law is his main caretaker. Richard drives him to appointments and grocery shopping and checks on him daily. His hearing isn't so good. His hearing aides work ok. He makes odd sounds, one in which we call his hootie owl sound. He has a good sense of humor.  He is able to still take care of his own medications. His mind is good. He's lonely and misses his wife, Mary, very much.

90 years old

My Dad turned 90 on February17th. We had a party with all my siblings. We brought him clam chowder all the way from Maine. I was able to then bring him to our house for a few days. He requested blueberry pancakes and roast beef with potatoes and carrots for his birthday dinners. He is in good health. He doesn't hear well either and his hearing aides don't work very well. One is usually lost or broken. His mind is pretty good. He is an avid reader and reads at least one book a week. My dad visits my mom (who has Alzheimer's disease) twice a day. He eats dinner with a group of men that also live at the progressive care facility where he lives. He wants to live to 100.


And this is our cat, the equivelent of 90 years old. I think he might live to 100 too!

So there you have it, longevity turns out different for everyone. Some go to bed praying they won't wake up, others want to live to be 100 and some just keep plugging along.