Guidelines for visiting the nursing home

Guidelines for visiting my mom... and/or visiting anyone in a Nursing Home

Visiting a nursing home can be both difficult and sad. When my mom was younger, she was really good at it. She knew what to say and what to do. Not everybody does. Visiting pushes many people out of their comfort zone. I'm hoping this list might relieve some anxiety:

1. Take the children; the residents love seeing children, as they are noticeably lacking in a nursing home setting. When we were kids, Mom often took us to visit nursing homes. It's a good thing she didn't let me sing, but my siblings did a fine job. So take the kids, but remove unruly or screaming children ASAP.
2. Animals. Check with the administration, but usually many kinds of pets are allowed to visit. Mom loves seeing dogs. We don't have a dog but there are residents in the independent area that visit regularly with theirs. If we see a dog making the rounds, we make sure Mom gets time to pet it and see it for a few minutes.
3. Smile.
4. Interact with others. You have no idea how long it may have been since someone said hello.
5. Bring flowers; family members should provide a vase that stays there.  We try to keep fresh flowers in Mom’s room.  Water plants or change water in the vase as needed. Throw away dead or wilted flowers, and rinse the vase.
6. Give your loved one a drink. Of course, you need to know about any restrictions on food or drink as some older people have restrictions and/or have trouble swallowing. When in doubt, ask first.  My mom is often thirsty but she can't/doesn't make her needs known. We have been told that she doesn't drink enough. Her labs confirm this. Instead of asking Mom if she wants a drink (she'll often say no or doesn't respond), I get her a drink with a straw and place it at her mouth. Since I have been doing this, the response is great. She'll smile, lick her lips and gesture for more. She takes in several small cups over the course of a visit.
7. After making sure the person is not on restrictions or a special diet, give them something to eat. The home where my mom is living has cookies or a snack for the residents in the afternoon but they have to come to the common area in order to get it. They use this practice to entice them out of their rooms. While well intentioned, this didn't work with my mother. They now have snack carts for family members to get snacks for their loved ones. While providing a snack for my mom, on this past visit I got a drink and snack for her roommate. It was the first time she talked and interacted with us.
8. Read something. The family should have some things available: a Bible, devotional book, a children's Bible story book, a favorite children’s book. Recently we left an old “Child's First Bible” in the room. The stories are about a minute long. My mom taught Sunday School, Children's Church and Kids for Missions until she was 81. She had a fantastic career as a diagnostic preschool teacher. One of her favorite books was Brown Bear, Brown Bear. Her great granddaughter read it to her on her last visit. We also have a photo album that is labeled with all her family's names.
9. Make them comfortable. Sometimes we find Mom’s room is too cold or too warm.  Let staff know if you change the temperature. Knowing a person's preferences is helpful. Share these with the staff. A simple thing like closing the blinds on a bright sunny day can be welcomed. Mom can't asked someone to do this and she can't do it herself so we have found her under her covers on a sunny day.
10. Make effort to interact with staff.
11. Visit in lounge or garden with children. Give them a change of scenery if possible.
12. Touch them. Hold their hand, hug them. Mom loves a good hug.
13. Don't feel like you need to stay too long.
14. Tell them you love them.

15. Try not to cry but if you do, it's OK.
16. Come again soon. 
17. Know that the families of every patient appreciate all you do.

Living with Alzheimer's vs Dying of Alzheimer's

There are many forms of dementia; not all are considered Alzheimer's Disease. Yet Alzheimer's manifests differently in different people. My father's sister has the disease, and we would describe her as living with Alzheimer's. She is stable, happy, compliant and is able, with dedicated, amazing caregivers, to continue to live alone independently. Her short term memory is almost non- existent, but in the moment she is there. She has a great sense of humor and is quite aware that she forgets. She likely won't remember our visits but, again, does very well in the moment. She can retrieve who we are and engage in spontaneous conversation. After a few minutes though, she will forget and repeat the question or statement. She has been in this mode for about eight years.

This summer we took Dad to Maine to see his sister. It was a gift from God, as it was the best visit that we had with her in about six years. She repeated herself only once. She is so pleasant and funny. She was able to start numerous sponstaneous conversations with her brother and her nieces. She asked appropriate questions about other family members. It was a wonderful day.

My mother's disease, however, progressed much more rapidly and she is now in a nursing home. Eight years ago she didn't have any symptoms at all.  We noticed the first symptoms about 5 1/2 years ago, and she has only had the official diagnosis for about three years. Now she only knows our dad. She speaks very little, no longer walks and now has to be put in a lift for transfers. She spends most of her time in bed. When describing our mom, it seems sadly that she is no longer living with Alzheimer's, but dying of it.

Dad with his sister