1. Drive only in good weather.
2. Drive only during daylight.
3. Stay close to home.
When we got to the point of no more long trips, which meant no more driving to my house 4+ hours away, my parents started to feel the restraint. My dad hadn't been driving for about five years when my mother stopped driving. He stopped driving because he kept getting lost. He got to the point that he couldn't find his way home. Before he stopped driving, he was the main driver. Taking on all the driving was a big challenge for Mom. She was comfortable as co- pilot. She was always good with directions so she would give Dad directions as he drove. Now she had to do it all, as Dad couldn't help with directions. Mom broke her ankle late in life which created lots of issues with her ankles so she was now wearing braces on both feet. My parents lived with my sister and near to my brother so they observed her driving and we tried to keep an eye on her driving ability.
It all started when my dad talked with my husband and really confessed that he had been keeping track of her driving mishaps, like hitting the curb, weaving, not staying in her lane, not stopping at a stop sign or stop light, close accidents. So, my husband talked to me and then, I talked with my dad, and then to my mom, and then to my siblings. We saw it coming and had done nothing. Now, it was time for Mom to stop driving but, "How do we do that?"
Of course, in front of my mom, my dad backed down and said she was a good driver. My mother was in complete denial. We asked her to talk to her doctor. He was no help, he told my sister that if they can see and walk then they can drive. He continually assured my mother that her memory issues were all age-related and that she was fine. No one wanted to take the keys away but my mother had no intention to stop driving. We decided to go through the Motor Vehicle Dept. We figured she couldn't pass the driving test so that would take care of it, but then what if she did? It was clear to me that in spite of possibly passing she was a hazard on the road and needed to stop driving. As it turned out, it takes months to set this up and there are forms to fill out by the doctor. This was such a slow process that we acted before they did.
It took awhile before all the siblings were in agreement that this was the right decision. We happened to all be together planning my sister's wedding. The Alzheimer's was progressing, although no physician had actually said those words to Mom. She would make a decision and then change her mind, so less than two months from the wedding nothing had been finalized, We got together and delegated everything. We tried very hard to honor her preferences. It was at this gathering, that we decided to take the keys away - together, as a family. We believed that my mother was a danger on the road, to herself, to her passengers, who by this time was only my father because no one else would drive with her. If she was with someone else who could drive, she didn't drive. She had the potential to have an accident in which someone could die, and this could affect another family, not just ours. We could no longer stand on the sidelines and let that happen. We had to stop it.
It was a God thing that we were all together. It felt like an intervention, and in some ways it was. Lots of tears by all, but we were able to communicate our concerns(again). She got upset and said, "So what do you want me to do?" and we answered with,"Stop driving and give Rick your keys". She never drove again. It was really hard. She had a lot of anger towards me. Even though we all were there, it felt like she only saw me. It feels awful to have your mom angry with you. She stayed upset with me for a long time. It was a really difficult adjustment for my parents, one they struggled with and which precipitated their move to a progressive care retirement home.
It was clearly the right decision to take away the keys. We don't regret it but we do regret how hard it was on everyone. This situation above all others likely motivated me to write about living with Alzheimer's. I don't want my family to go through this. So when two people, my husband and/or two of my children decide the time is right, I will stop driving. This is for me. This is what I have decided. This is my guideline for when I will stop driving. This post is for me. This post if for my children.
About two years after this happened and with lots of open conversations with my father-in-law, at age 92, he decided on his own to stop driving. He knew the time was coming and he independently decided for himself that the time was right. That's the way to do it. He has adjusted very well and at age 93 continues to live in his own home. And I am so proud of him. I'm also thankful for the support of family around him who drive him to appointments and outings, making it possible for him to stay in his own home.
